play dead

Done

with 

idle

pretending

that 

wounds

 myself

and everyone else

including you

who I thought

I was

protecting.

foolish child.

no such thing

as protecting.

only pretending.

Am I Done

pretending 

that i want you?

goshen autumn

distracted as the side walk
who slopes down to puddle rain
contemplation disturbed
by a thousand pinches of refrain

distracted as the button
given much stress
not asked to do more than its occupation
but threaded with cords of unrest.

distracted as the pages
flipped through by one fervently searching
no answer to be found unless taken
slowly
to hear the sound of each finger turning.

distracted, but not dismissed
not present, but tallied any how.
the presence of form does not excuse the lack of response when called,
the lack of a verbal, "Here."

no. the pane rattles too eloquently to be ignored.
it also requires my presence
as round gems form on slippery slope--
who else will trace their path?

I am needed to take notice
to watch the rain as others adhere to the lesson--
less than wanting of my distraction
that chills essence as we rub our palms,
gray howling noise in the distance becomes
my anthem.

not very far are those outside.

tangled mess

"I led them 

with cords of human kindness, 

with ties of love; 

I lifted the yoke from their neck

and bent down to feed them."

Who is speaking?

does this not sound like the carpenter?

I tell you the truth,

these words were spoken

before his body was broken;

before we replaced his body

in unity

as the body of Christ.

Already,

Yahweh speaks

of humans

as his hands,

handed down from the nation

the new testament

holds nothing new. 

"How can I give you up, Ephraim? 

How can I hand you over, Israel?

My heart is changed within me; all my compassion is aroused."

From where is this passage?

not from the mouth of Christ,

but from before
him who was

before.

How then, can any call my God

cruel?

because we suffer the actions of fellow humus?

because pain plays part 

in our existence?

you run the risk 

of ruin

 when you create,

run the risk 

of pain

when you live,

run the risk

of loss

when you love,

in this world.

Take Heart.

 He has over come the World.

expression, outloud

sometimes
we laugh quietly to ourselves
while others are in the room

because
 we want
to be heard.

for others present
to ask

"What's so funny?"

sometimes
we cry obnoxiously to ourselves
while others ignore

because
we want
to hurt.

for others present
to ask

"Was that not funny?"

but still, our expression
may go beyound our wanting,
beyond our caring,

Laughing for sake
of joy
despite who is near by to hear.

Crying
despite our deisre
to remain invisible to all near.

Can expression outloud be forgiven
for disturbing our neighbor

with sound
with guilt
with common thought
with attempt or accident

of shared emotion?

the individual man does not exists.

if he is not accompanied by somebody,
he is always accompanied


by himself.

words reordered: new definition of commitment

hello?
hello?

can we just be friends?
can we just

befriend
&
learn

from one another
and use our heads?

I believe you
when you say

you love me

I believe you
when you said

you're happier
with me by your side.

That is valuable;
Honorable.

but, do not deceive yourself.

I am not the source,
I am not the light.

I may be a bulb,
a star,
or more likly, a moon.

yes, you've never felt this.
yes, this is

good.

but, how you have deceived yourself.
How we have deceived ourselves

to think we were more

than ordinary

Humans.

We are normal people,
who fell the same way as other
ordinary people

who learn, and live,

and grow.

there is nothing
extra
to our ordinary,

not even our pride, or delusion, or hope.

Our belief that somehow

our first

was meant
to be

our last

is a normal hope.
a normal deception.
a normal pride,

that we're different from everybody else
who's saying
the exact same
ordinarily
extra-
ordinary things.

so, instead of deception, let's cling to hope.

let us add unto ourselves
understanding,
opening up our hearts for other,
opening up our hearts for each other

killing expectations
to cultivate
learning.

I am not your Wife.
You are not my Husband.

perhaps one day,
if we become
extra-ordinarily
different
from who we are
then we could cultivate a life

together.

but today,
we have come,
extra ordinary,
different,
from who we each are,
that we may cultivate life

together.

will you,
with me, seek promise of life
in place
of promise of life with me?

There always remains

Hope when Faith learns to Love.

laugh

"that used to make you laugh."

well, i was frustrated with never knowing.
with hearing you say one thing, hiding behind yourself.

I'm sorry that i didn't laugh,
or perhaps i apologize that i did.

for none should laugh unless they mean it.

laughter is more powerful than tears.

how then, shall i make you laugh?
how then, shall we brings smiles to our faces?

a midst adversity, and quandery, and findings-out, and fighting doubt,

how do i let you know

I am here

to be your friend,
           not a fiend,
       or your fire

but simply to be

and beat

what we have

to get through.

all i want
is be a team.

let's laugh,
and not take ourselves too seriously.

space.

movement loudens
in empty space

de-familiarizing
places once filled

every movement
now thought out

every breath
known to walls

and ceiling
and floors
and crevices
                    we now take notice of.

silence seems superb  when unheard,
but when standing in for laughter,

it daunts.

draft directions for infection, holding firm voice of vastness
too much
for us
to think about,
that grasps us,
when questions quake
all the more.


the buzz
of halogen of fluorescent bulbs

let us know our answer.

oh, bother

why bother?
why bother?
why bother me?

Fine, fine,
finite i was
till your existence-- as flesh-- as human
came up
in electronic discourse.

why would you think i'd want to know?
why should you tell
you took your token
taken off
then, Hell!

break loose already!
slipping back into your collar,
claiming my silver initials
as your address.

why would you think i'd want to know?
to know
that you took off
then took
back on.

but of course i want to know!
to know your thoughts.

of course i want to know!

but why,

why did you tell me?
so that i would know?

i don't want to know.

so why did you tell?
why tell me?

oh, bother, bother,
little bear.

think, think, think.

forget, forget, regret.
you bother, bother me

so that i could see,
                          see
                          see.

                                                                                     please leave me.

starry starry w*rds

just because you align starts
after the first letter

doesn't mean you didn't say it.

if you meant it, you mean it.
if your mean 'bout it,  you mint it.

should we sign our letters,

"L***"

another four letter word
that we don't mean when we say
that's stronger
than lemon and water--
richer than cream spilling from your mouth,

mouthing words with stars,

starry starry starry nights
full of
starry starry starry eyes
filling mouths with
starry starry words

without meaning any how.

But, don't you know?
none know what they mean when they say four letter words,

but i know,
what i've done.

bound myself in some way to you.

don't you know,
i'll always L-l-l-o....
                                                        i'll always love you.

but i don't L*** you.
not that starry starry word.

because you make me feel like s***
your favorite starry starry word.

it's not gonna be easy,
loving you, not L**ing you.

not gonna be easy,
but
so, so worth it.

we should.

we should do that,
we should, we should.

this place, this time,
we should, we should.

planing plants embers in hoping hearts;
plans abandoned prove little harm
unless, of course,
you never can.

we should, we should.
should we?
can we?
will we?

but if severed, no longer postponed,
by now lies
lie there
dead.

how do we keep from lying?
from living?
giving, going, knowing?

we should, we should.

should we
be?

mayflies.

brooding and breeding and braiding, and brooding
two small specks,
one speck,
spoke--
"i say live, i say live!"
speculate spectacular,
spaces splice sincerity,
"i say live, i say live!"



"i don't know how to do that."



He came that they may have life,

have   a    life.

and have it
               more abundantly.



abundance flows,
though,
they can't quite get right the contritite,
the spirit,

b r o k e n

of them selves.

no, not quite right
the wholly holy,

holy wholly thing.
can't quite get it down.
instead we go round,

round the bouts of buts and then's till when

we've withered and worn ourselves out.

now?

i'm down
to be donned with the least of these.

yes, all i ever wanted
was to be added unto thee.

to be added,
to add,
arithmetic that does not compute to fleshy eyes
through my eyes,
oh thine! oh thine!

have they seen the glory?

O, morning glories creep,
and

bloom.

as does the remnant left tangled in their vines.

remain in you,
i shall.

and life, too,
comes through.



to be two specks,
oh, rather,
to be a spectacle

of you.

hosiery

in place of make up,
i color my legs.

long, extensions of myself
protruding from gray and green.

less time it takes
than shaving legs.

less attention brought
to un-aided scars.

scars of summer,
of wood and rock.

scares of hiding
of scrapes in brush.

quicker to divide
and mask my imperfections
than to give time
to societies infection.

so i compromise.

nice legs, less work.

who will see?

only me, yes only me.

psalm 1

How human
are you?

How much humus has held your hands?
Has grasped your gasp
and silenced your sound?

How divine
are we?

How much Holy holds us dear?
Has faith quenched fear,
or peace produced tear?

yet we turn, turn, turn.
call out " turn!"
turn the tables
and turbulent
thoughts.

lost.
but, human, you were,
for a season,
for a time.

but, gods, we are not.
for some reason,
that tends to thought.

How shall blending then pursue?
for in you, there was,
and always shall be,
remnant.
renewal.
reconcile.

r e c o n c i l e.

bring the two which could not be brought together.
make them one.
Is this not love?

how then,
shall we grow?

My God, My God,

show me

what I need

to believe




               today.

hiding in hearts

I let you go
once
already.

You snuck back in,
a child rolled up in business suits,
waiting for the suitcase to close,
for me
to take you with.

But no carry-on should weigh so much.
you snuck,
but not so well,
like a child,
I can tell

you're there.

First I played along,
almost hoping too,
that you could come.

I say aloud,
"my, my,

I hope

the flight attendant can load this one.
I seemed to have over packed."

you snicker in hidden space.

I sigh,
letting you down at the door,
knowing I can not leave
with you
as baggage.

"where I am going,
you cannot come."

Protest does nothing to change the fact.
My own want
wants nothing more
than to store you close,
for when I wish
to be near you.

"Where are you going?
may I come?"

Alas, you are not a child.
This, you never ask.

You, too comfortable in your place,
I, too dedicated
to my way.

Where I am going,
I wish you would come.

nostalgia and paths home: symbols of Chinese Lit.

do you ever miss the moon
from here?
a paler complexion, perhaps, where you now stand

among people not your own.

have you found it home?

or do paths call to you to come;

come what stays.

my heart is happy
for you,

now
that we're a
                  part.
a part
of me travels
in your pocket,
on a cherry branch

but not all
of me.

Not All of You
is as you think.

i hope you know that,
and sow according to what you've been given.

Please sow.
please sow fruitful deeds of which you are capable,
understanding the blossom from which
they
      fell.
from which you fell.

standing on your own
proves
          hard.

as my sun sets, may yours arise.
as it has always been
between us two.

heresy

I think you'd like
the expansion of my mind,
the opening of my heart.

while I venture wisps & whispers of God,
I remain true to my base,
or
so I believe.

I think my mother
would rather I not venture
too far out
lest I be stolen by currents too strong.

but I believe,
or so I think
That I am firmly holding on
In Hope,
In Faith,
In Love to my Creator,
whatever that means,
for my Creator knows me,
as he knows you,
and will not forsake you.

So I ask,
"what is Hersey?"
so I say, "let us venture here awhile
and decide for ourselves
how dangerous thought really is."

but of course there is danger in thinking,
of course there is danger in feeling
of course there is  danger in choosing
in living, in trusting, in letting go of things you've known
to re-evaluate
and equate it to those things
distant.

or are you too afraid that your god will not keep you?
Take heart-- he is always there.
Give heart-- for that's his only want.

humans donned in the image of God,
"I just wanted you to Love me!"

                       just wanted                       to love me.
                                                     you
                                                          

is it such heresy
where faith, and hope,
and love
spur searching?

may we search ourselves and
obey.