Sequeal

A Beginning
and An Ending

The prologue to our story
caught between
                         with Acknowledgements.

Reunions are sweet.
Departures, heavy.
                              I wish an Authors Note
                              to tell
                              where the story is coming from
                              to remove
                                              speculation.

Like any sequel,
time has passed between the covers.
                                              There were passages left blank,
                                               timelines, only partially filled.

The same characters,
                                 another tale.

What does our sequel hold?
The part two to our adventures?
The continuing of our thought?

How strange that the setting would be framed between engagement--

A Beginning
and An Ending.

How strange
that we have both concluded
freedom as best;

Both concluded
help with growth the best.

I do no regret the path I took to get here;

I do not regret
the pain
it took together.

I do not regret my wantonness of you
I do not regret
the unrequited  response to my desire at a young age.

( I was not ready).

I do not regret
the love shared in between stories
                                 before stories.
                                                        they make us who we are.

Do not regret
the lessons learned.

What I do regret
is the lack of self respect
for myself-- for yourself.

                                                  You are beautiful.
                                                  You are desirable.

And yet,
All you see,
All I saw,
                  was how ourselves were not enough-- were too much
                                                                                were judged or put aside.

But when I found your side again,
     when I was by your side again,
                 I found the warmth I missed.

                                                 I found my friend.

And though I may wander in my wantonness
I care less about the journey's end

and I find I care more about
how each day

                       Begins.


                             

Plateau

So vibrant it is here-- another world than what I have lived.

Red rock and sage brush,
turquoise,
and a dusty sky.

The perspective
is clearer up here
on the plateau.

It is a sturdy place to build a home,
The Hopi told me so.

It is safe here, on the plateau.
A rising up,
A leveling out.

I level out
with you
              stopping
before I reach the pinnacle
                              of my point.

The San Francisco Peaks
seem so far away.

Deities live there,
that is what the Hopi say.

And so with you,
so far away,
a place I've always dreamed
but never reached.

Like climbing up Fish Point
with medicine men;

He does not know or understand his gift
but he accepts.

As you guide,
You accept.

Looking for someone like you, but not you.
(I thought I was too),
But aye! Not I.

(I'll accept.)


But as Eric Blue Bird sought his kokopelli
down to the deepest regions of Yucatan,
So I search for any sign
of where you're coming from.

Like Alice Blue Bird,
I gather up the salt;

We gather up succulent salt plant in grocer bags,
finding moisture in the dessert;
finding growth between the rocks.

I look beyond my dusted toes
red covered sandals
seeking nourishment in the desolate,
an old woman my guide.

Like drunken reservation youth,
reclaiming their own name, their own path,
I scrawl my own symbol with the ancients;
I try to carve out my own path.

I claw at the rock wall;
I climb and scrape my knee
but when I reach what seems the top,

I've only reached the plateau
not San Francisco Peaks.

The plateau is a good place to build a home,
the Hopi told me so.

But just as Skinny the Navajo
I wish to know
what lies beyond the peaks.

emmenit (death)

We can only do
so
    much.

To the touch,
           you were warm.
To the touch,
           you were known.

I knew your shape.

your day
your preferences
your triggers
your games.

I did not know,
               I never Knew,

The true state
                                    of your heart.

(I am sorry you were sick for so long)
( I am sorry I didn't know)
                                                               Didn't know
                                                                          of your cancer of the soul.

I am sorry

That I am not a doctor.
That I was just a nurse
who tried to help you,
to make you comfortable,
to get you back on track;
but in your pain,
                         you claimed I made it worse.


It was too much for me.
And when you pushed the buzzer,
demanding my return
to turn over your bed pan
and I did not,
you withered
                      in pain        (alone).

But I could not help you
could not force you to under go treatment of the soul
                                                                   of facing self.

I cannot help you
even though you demand that  I do so.

You claim that I am your only
                                                 life
                                 your only
                                                hope.
you don't want to see
the doctor.

you claim you just now have seen
                                                 the truth.

like you couldn't tell;
like I could ever feel safe
while helping a stubborn, angry man throw bed pans of inner hate my way
plates of piss and blame
and blame me
for all his pain.

I am sorry friend.
I am sorry one I love.

I cannot help you
with your cancer.

I cannot help you
I concur.

And now you threaten,
to pull the plug.

A threat to cause
all nurses
to come and run.

But you say,
I am the only one.

I look around the ward and see
all those who find your life worth fighting for.

You look around and see
all those who could care less of thee.

I am sorry friend
I am sorry one I love.

You are to heavy for me to turn.
Your pain is too great for me to coax.

I cannot be your doctor; I can no longer be your nurse.

My shift is up,
my break is now.

I must rest
and find myself.


I pray for you
when I am not there
I pray that you
might find yourself
                                                 too.





                                                                                                                    good bye (my friend).