to know that we are significant,

but not significantly important,

that are presence can be felt,

but not always needed,

that the stress we feel

of attending

is often

imagined. 

choices

you,
my love,
my dear,
             exuberant one
             whom everyone loves,
             who called me "Mum,"

you,
      I have healed bonds.
praise courage.
praise theater.

                   mourn self blame.
                                                            distance.
 you,
my shock,
my friend?
               awakened thoughts,
               who flirted-- with everyone,
               who caught me in arms,
                                                   once.
you,
      I know not our standing.
mourn stammers.
mourn silence.

                 praise distance?
                                            busy.

GONE
i wonder,
because of one,

because of choice.

because of me.


you, my dear-- I miss your dreams.
you, my friend?-- I miss your convictions.

you-- the one I have,

you share these
sometimes;
dreams, convictions.

but more often than not,
silence
tease
disapprove

of mine.

                                                                  did I mean to choose this path?
                                                                                                       doubt
                                                                                    but not fear. 

           

fine?

when spoken,
my thoughts--ran over.

labeled
over
     DRAMATIC.

when silence,
only allowed
                   seconds
                                for my mind, our existence
                                                          in peace.

then,
"what?"

...

  "what?"
"Fine."
 hmpf.

Not allowed thought.
Not allowed silence.
ok
try again. Discuss.

                            oh, you don't know?
                            oh, you mis-understand?
                                               "Oh My GAAWD! Forget it!"

remain calm. forget it. enjoy night and moon.

         "No dog on bed."
 request.

           "I want puppy! hugs hugs hugs."
    defy.

five.
-_- *sigh*
fine.

"I'll pay for tickets.   No concessions though."
"Junk food?" fine
                          [ line ]

spent more than before.
                                   defeated.
                                                fine.
still okay. still enjoy.
I have your company  <3

"Study?"
"sure."

Noise.

Noise.

"Pet?"
"Play?"
work?

nope. "No music." "Hmpf. fine."

                                        FIVE.
complies. (thank you.)


buzz, buzz, buzz-- "aw! cold!"
"Game game game!"
{uncomfortable joints}
                                               {droopy eyes}



GIVE UP!

                 "Sleep."

                  at peace.
 join me,    
                     sweet.

Kisses, thanks. :)

start something.
                       WAIT.
                              No time for this frustration.
                               ow, nails. : (
"Hmpf."
Leave.

              Fine.
Sleep,
         fine.
miss presence, enjoy space. 

Awake, wonder:
                          is this really fine?

Next day will be better,
                                   Right?
only if I'm gone.

warrenty of your exsistence

You exist
in this space
beside me.

a warm 2 and a half foot
by six foot
existence;

a warm circumference left
when you get up.

I trust
that you still exist 
when you are not beside me,
a child learning peek-a-boo
can guess about the same.

But is more comforting to think
for a time

that you do not exist

with out me there--
without my
permission.


Who are you
when not with me?
you are a different person-- ingauging
in different
relationships,
different observances;
different thoughts.

with out me.

this is when
idenity
and relationship
come to mean
separate things.

When I am
a parcel
of yours;
of you,
and you are a parcel,
of mine;
of me.

So I am
AFRAID
--there, I said it--
of losing what I have
of you.

But isn't it truth
that we never have someone's heart?
It is just on loan, a undefined time limit of ocupation?

Isn't it Truth
that we always have someone's heart?
a gift, with warranty, of an undefined limit?

Truth is, I have no warenty
on our hearts
We have no
loan.

Trust.
and love.
and faith.

these three remain.

a prayer

what will I do with life.

Stuck between want of meaning,
of doing good,

and finding meaning,
finding good

in all things.

but it is not in all things.

what do i want
to do

what will i do

with the rest
of life.

                                       I am sick of shallow people

                                       I am sick
 sick of the shallow
of myself.

Problem:
              i find most joy
              in what may be considered
                                                       the shallow
                                                        the hallow--
or do i?


color.
form.
order.
composition.

typography.
I want to make things
look good
for those who do good.
I want my designs
to be informed
by informing
myself
with what is done--

I want goodness
I want truth
I want these to create
Beauty.

how do i use
     a passion
for a good?

or, sometimes it seems,
more importantly,
how do you
get paid for good?

Idealist.



what is worth while?

goals-- dreams.
Aaron has those, not me.

what do I want to do?
I know what i want to be doing,
not what I want to do.





I want to ask questions












and never stop.

turn out like a spout--
dreams--
splatter, smattered, like batter, onto floor
concrete
the street
cold-- oiled, bold.

too big for me
to shurg on,
to keep buttontoned.
to tight
to breathe
to keep zipped,
so i shed it to the floor--

too much
I fear
is near-- falling out,
oh, doubt--
who am I?
Where am I?

Shout.

now count
the minutes you spend,
the hours, like towers, building
till gone and dead
is your oppertunity
to improve your imunity
to this world
to this

in action.

become raidoactive,

your dreams,

till it seems you'll burst with potential
instead of consequential

death
of self-- instead

die by never giving into the lie--

become.

then, it will be done.

diluted deed

what do you do
when you must protect
self?

when you need 
to be
good
strong
whole--

it becomes hard
to accept
your wrongs
weakness
brokeness--

hard
to change

because
it it is hard
to see.

"the light came into the darkness, but the darkness did not comprehend it,"

yes, forgiveness
is hard
to comprehend.

but you
seek the good in me
even though
it seems
you seek out the worst
bring out
the worst

challenge me.



really, you just venture down paths
no one else does
kicking sacred stones
that no one
but those
who sought to put pain
inside
have riled up,
leaving dust to settle on the matter.

like any slum lord,
I know where my dust settles.
best to be left unkept

than to see
the mess i've made.