We can only do
so
much.
To the touch,
you were warm.
To the touch,
you were known.
I knew your shape.
your day
your preferences
your triggers
your games.
I did not know,
I never Knew,
The true state
of your heart.
(I am sorry you were sick for so long)
( I am sorry I didn't know)
Didn't know
of your cancer of the soul.
I am sorry
That I am not a doctor.
That I was just a nurse
who tried to help you,
to make you comfortable,
to get you back on track;
but in your pain,
you claimed I made it worse.
It was too much for me.
And when you pushed the buzzer,
demanding my return
to turn over your bed pan
and I did not,
you withered
in pain (alone).
But I could not help you
could not force you to under go treatment of the soul
of facing self.
I cannot help you
even though you demand that I do so.
You claim that I am your only
life
your only
hope.
you don't want to see
the doctor.
you claim you just now have seen
the truth.
like you couldn't tell;
like I could ever feel safe
while helping a stubborn, angry man throw bed pans of inner hate my way
plates of piss and blame
and blame me
for all his pain.
I am sorry friend.
I am sorry one I love.
I cannot help you
with your cancer.
I cannot help you
I concur.
And now you threaten,
to pull the plug.
A threat to cause
all nurses
to come and run.
But you say,
I am the only one.
I look around the ward and see
all those who find your life worth fighting for.
You look around and see
all those who could care less of thee.
I am sorry friend
I am sorry one I love.
You are to heavy for me to turn.
Your pain is too great for me to coax.
I cannot be your doctor; I can no longer be your nurse.
My shift is up,
my break is now.
I must rest
and find myself.
I pray for you
when I am not there
I pray that you
might find yourself
too.
good bye (my friend).
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