engagement

there is freedom from desire,
one man said,
there is freedom from pain.

there is freedom from wanting,
one man said,
wanting to have and to hold.

there is freedom?
from feeling put aside?
from wanting  to hide?

from having to wonder
if you are where you are supposed to be.

sometimes I know that freedom.

Other days, I do not.

Jealous

the son of man
has no place to rest his head.

niether does

the commuter.
the one outside
of community.

seat, to seat,
I can not sit.

computer, to device.
I cannot compute.

Land!
Glance.

Athletes in wigs--a house of friends.
bonded by silliness
by communal
action.

Flood.

in seat, I sit.
before device,
I compute.

JEALOUS I AM 
of what I put aside.

the son of man
has no place to rest his head.

you rest your head
on shoulder of men

who laugh.
who love.
             with others.
who adore
your pursuit
of humanities.
                    of humanizing.

I rest my head.
end of day.

smile. kiss. bliss.

destroyed.
by dehumanizing,
criticizing,
pessimission.

I try to ignore.
                     Choose love.

JEALOUS I AM
of what i fear i have not chosen.


wasted time
now I fear,

but oh, no matter the year,
the hour,
the moment.

Is it wasted
if it yields, revelation?

 some say yes.
                    others?
                    revel in revelation.

failure, I believe, is one of the components that make up loneliness.

you can be alone, and feel worthwhile, feel satisfied with your self,
but when you feel lonely, you sense there is something off.

I doubt that many of us admit that we think the loneliness we feel may be our own fault, but I also believe that is part of the pain; the sheer disbelief that we are causing our own pain.

 Despite the fact that we can blame someone for leaving us here alone to fend with the shadow of the wolf who carves out our insides when no one is watching our life as their cherished screen,  even when we do not screctly know that we are the cause for alienation of friends and loved ones, of distance, sometimes the filure comes simply with the fact that we let our selves feel lonely-- that we let ourselves be weak.

we indulge in our weakness. That next chocolate you can't resist, even though you know the 12 grams of fat it contains per serving. You think, quietly, so you don't hear yourself, and thus don't have to admit it to anyone, "I deserve to feel lonely. I deserve to live in the cave for awhile until someone rescues me."

I will contest, there are less selfish modes of loneliness-- pure uttered {cries} of the soul for companion, but more often than not, the kind of loneliness we experience, I believe, is the one I have been describing: the loneliness of the stubborn.

To be free is to admit that you cause your own suffering; that duka can be overcome. But who of us that is stubborn will admit such a thing?

There the challenge lies.

to know that we are significant,

but not significantly important,

that are presence can be felt,

but not always needed,

that the stress we feel

of attending

is often

imagined. 

choices

you,
my love,
my dear,
             exuberant one
             whom everyone loves,
             who called me "Mum,"

you,
      I have healed bonds.
praise courage.
praise theater.

                   mourn self blame.
                                                            distance.
 you,
my shock,
my friend?
               awakened thoughts,
               who flirted-- with everyone,
               who caught me in arms,
                                                   once.
you,
      I know not our standing.
mourn stammers.
mourn silence.

                 praise distance?
                                            busy.

GONE
i wonder,
because of one,

because of choice.

because of me.


you, my dear-- I miss your dreams.
you, my friend?-- I miss your convictions.

you-- the one I have,

you share these
sometimes;
dreams, convictions.

but more often than not,
silence
tease
disapprove

of mine.

                                                                  did I mean to choose this path?
                                                                                                       doubt
                                                                                    but not fear. 

           

fine?

when spoken,
my thoughts--ran over.

labeled
over
     DRAMATIC.

when silence,
only allowed
                   seconds
                                for my mind, our existence
                                                          in peace.

then,
"what?"

...

  "what?"
"Fine."
 hmpf.

Not allowed thought.
Not allowed silence.
ok
try again. Discuss.

                            oh, you don't know?
                            oh, you mis-understand?
                                               "Oh My GAAWD! Forget it!"

remain calm. forget it. enjoy night and moon.

         "No dog on bed."
 request.

           "I want puppy! hugs hugs hugs."
    defy.

five.
-_- *sigh*
fine.

"I'll pay for tickets.   No concessions though."
"Junk food?" fine
                          [ line ]

spent more than before.
                                   defeated.
                                                fine.
still okay. still enjoy.
I have your company  <3

"Study?"
"sure."

Noise.

Noise.

"Pet?"
"Play?"
work?

nope. "No music." "Hmpf. fine."

                                        FIVE.
complies. (thank you.)


buzz, buzz, buzz-- "aw! cold!"
"Game game game!"
{uncomfortable joints}
                                               {droopy eyes}



GIVE UP!

                 "Sleep."

                  at peace.
 join me,    
                     sweet.

Kisses, thanks. :)

start something.
                       WAIT.
                              No time for this frustration.
                               ow, nails. : (
"Hmpf."
Leave.

              Fine.
Sleep,
         fine.
miss presence, enjoy space. 

Awake, wonder:
                          is this really fine?

Next day will be better,
                                   Right?
only if I'm gone.