When I turned sixteen, I made sure my sister did not breath a word of it to my father.
It was Aug. 8th, and I acted natural. Ok, maybe a little more quite than normal.
I had one wish for my 16th: I wanted to go on an hour long bike ride in the country. I did. The worn fabric of my holey-gray tank top gathered together as i spread my arms out against the warm breeze I created as I moved though invisible atoms of air.
I was happy; satisfied. No one said anything, as I hoped. I got $20 from my grandma in the mail. As a summer born, I had the luxury of avoiding half-hearted blessings from classmates. The one year I did not remove my birthday from facebook, I felt so special and felt the need to respond personally to each blessing on my wall until I realized, "Oh yeah. They were responding to a pink and red box on their screen with my name on it."
This did not make their blessings less true, but for me, I did feel like a fool.
I had puffed myself up because people were responding to a social grace; a social norm.
This is why I prefer to keep my engagement private. Why we have chosen no ring.
As I grow into an adult with more complexities of self, I have become tired of acquaintance-driven small talk. I would rather converse with a stranger. In the conversation with the stranger, when each know we owe the other nothing. We can freely share an ancedote, laugh at the great complexities and simplicities of life, and at the end, call out, "have a nice day!"
It is a sincere interaction of humans bound together only through momentary space and time.
When it is someone you know, but are not really friends with, or have fallen out with,
there is OBLIGATION.
Oh, the horror!
Some where someone mandated that all individuals who had worked together, gone to social functions, or were an acquaintance twice removed from someone, and who happen to make eye contact in a random situation MUST make small talk to affirm that you know each other, affirm that you have not forgotten each other, and pretend like you actually care. (Hint: few people actually care).
Some do care.
For the some that do, the interaction is as free as an interaction with the stranger: a moment of time and place shared, but with a history of other genuine moments and times shared. For the hominid driven by social obligation however, I would rather they nod, take care of themselves, and move on.
This is one reason there is no ring on my finder though I am engaged:
I do not wish to bring unwanted attention to myself.
I barely want to tell people.
Not because I am embarrassed by my fiancee, but rather I am embarrassed by the behavior that our society mandates from those updated on the recent engagement. The classic "AW!" and "Were so HAPPY for you!" and "Where's the ring? Where's the ring?"(So superficial and materialistic).
First of all, why are you happy for me?
Nothing has changed.
If Aaron or I get accepted to the jobs of our dreams, be happy for us. If we find another great couple to live with dropping large rent down, be happy for us. If we find out we have been accepted into a program that lets us live in Europe for 2 years, Be Happy For Us!
But don't "be happy" for me for getting engaged.
Me getting engaged is really for everyone else, not for me.
It is a status change only in what we tell people.
Relationship wise? Living circumstance wise?
NOTHING HAS CHANGED.
We still FIGHT.
We still MISUNDERSTAND.
We still DOUBT.
We still get JEALOUS.
We still HAVE PROBLEMS.
Getting engaged did not change that.
We still are attached to each other.
We still make amends.
We still demand affection from each other.
We still wait and wait and wait for the other to get home.
We still help each other out with things we don't really want to.
Getting engaged did not change that.
And the people who don't know us as a couple and find out?
You know what they say?
"We're so happy for you!"
And I laugh!
Because this declaration, from them, means nothing to me.
They do not know us.
They do not know our trials.
Our Issues. Our Successes.
They pretend to be an intimate part of our lives when they have never been there,
like the co-worker who talks with you about the weather in the line to get coffee just because he knows your face and name.
This does not mean that the congratulations is not sincere. But it does render it unuseful and misguided.
Why do you not wish me strength to get through the next bout of loneliness when no one is home?
Why do you not tell me to call you after the next fight me and Aaron have?
Why do you not give me a somber, sweet smile, and tell me gently, "It's a long road."
Instead, you LIE
you who do not know "us"
and tell me you are "happy for me."
What good does that do me???
I have received more meaningful blessing from old men and young women of whose doors I canvassed or faces I encountered at bus stops concerning my intimate relationship with my fiance than from those who I do business with or have good times with as an individual.
Why?
because strangers were given the freedom to tell the truth.
They owed me nothing,
so they were free to give words of value.
"You're first huh? I hope it goes well for you,"
67-year-old-republican in support of responsible fraking.
"Love is a journey. You have to accept that,"
Man who got back together with his (ex)wife 2 years before she died
and was excited to show me his compost pile.
"You guys sound like you will go far together,"
30-or-40-something woman when I told her of our career goals
when I heard what she taught at the local university.
When spoken in freedom, the blessing of a stranger is more valuable than that of a polite friend.
So, unless you really have something to say,
please shut up.
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