single.
that's what I told myself.
I will have you know,
I am not very good at listening to my own advice.
thinking of it now, the free-ness comes back.
oh, the ease of shoulders
that allowed me to "Ship" others people love
with a smile,
a hug,
a blessing.
It was sweet, their love.
enduring, their love.
and outside of middle school crushes,
I had little want of it.
only
appreciation for it.
to. be. SINGLE!
not
single and flirty, mind you.
I was too awkward; too shy.
not
single and dreamy,
though I did have my days.
I was single and FREE.
free to juggle my own emotions,
rather than rearing the train wreck of constant disapproval and pettyness as I do now.
I got a lot done then.
and it is not to say that I did not blame my emotions on others
when I was young and free,
either.
My parents-- my father, mostly--
were the source of an upmost frustration.
My sister, an utter un-empathetic disappointment.
My peers, a hum of annoying social norms and lame lisps jokes.
But it is easy to internalize anger.
Easy to let annoyance drive you into a focused frenzy.
Easy to let the disappointment of others drive your own success.
but wantoness,
ay, want!
of affection approval and attention
drive you to the brink.
drive you insane
drive you to wish you were the drinking sort.
I did not desire what I did not know;
did not want
what I saw in no way beneficial to my goals.
sigh.
but then you happened.
you happened and I made the gravest mistake of my life.
I chose to fall in love.
they call it falling for a reason.
once you fall,
you must claw your way out.
or forever
be lost in the darkness of wanton affection.
sometimes the want is answered.
but all too often, it is rebuked.
It is probably just because you are an aspie.
more likely,
because you are a spoiled, manipulative asshole.
unfortunately for me,
you have been the sweetest thing in the world at times.
and it makes me not know
If I should go
or not.
It is easy to be angry-- easy to channel even fear.
but confusion,
I have not mastered that.
to be the dog that does not know if he will be swatted on the nose or praised is how I am with you.
to be dammed
is how I am with you.
dammed if I Do,
dammed
if i do not.
because of you,
because of falling,
this is my cry in the night:
is it worth it?
(am i worthless?)
(am i worthless?)
