words to no wear
wash them, wade them, try them on. step in mud and purge the flood. stitch them finely and still you have the same words in different shades. WORDS NEVER WEAR THAT GO TO NO WHERE.
Saturday, October 29, 2022
pixelized posturing
Tuesday, October 18, 2022
X!V--of Arcana & Alchemy
I am learning
to leave my skin
Behind;
Thin skin; tough skin, weak skin;
transparent,
calloused,
sheded; do not keep your scales
for too long
I am learning
To feel the wholeness
of my body
as its own space;
it's own experience;
it's own memory
holding patterns
that must die;
that have died;
that no longer live
three times.
My carcass
of past self
of past selves
is vast
is vacant
is vermouth-- dry.
it's like my carcass
is a cavern
and my memories
of moments that made me
are an
echo
e c h o
e i
c o n
h g
to fill the empty space above glass lakes;
Mirrors in the mountains
With a penable but distant sur-face.
It's like my carcass
is a caravan
and the words spoken
that sting
my ears still
are campfire smoke
smoldering
moldering
molding,
clinging like mud to the wheels;
a coarse hood to cover my ears at winds too harsh.
I am learning
to let that carcass
decay
I am learning
to let the heart center
be cleft
open
to let the dead body of past passion
crawl out;
mucus clinging;
voice box, croaking;
I take two hands
and expand the crease in my chest
to let her out.
I do not force her;
I do not evict her.
I tried that before--
and grew tired
of the fight.
Slow,
Steady,
Breaths-- like Lamaze, but for the dead.
I learn how to let
that hole that is left
be a piece of me;
be the peace of me.
I learn
how to let
you fill it
in all your fullness
that is more than your interactions
with me.
that is all
of your self-made
history
self-made
self suffiency.
Maybe I needed you then--
I won't fault myself any more for that--
but you never needed me.
and that's okay.
that's...
oh....
I am trusting
and I am transmuting;
I am thrusting myself through
the thale-cress crested threshold;
Pushing myself on the pale path
oh...
to journey the road
of white buds
& moonlight.
Perhaps in relearning
who all of you
is
I will remember
all the things that I loved--
and all the things
that never included me;
that would never be me;
that fit like the wrong shoe.
Oh....
to be a cobbler
to refit & rehyde a heel
to retrofit
who a person is
to fit your own narrative
of them.
to lie
to yourself.
your self, esteemed.
You are still the same-- still as gentle and generous and gracious.
You are still....
as I am just the same-- vivacious and vibrant and viscous.
I am just...
just....
what?
The babble is made
by the brooke meeting the boulder.
oh, I love that sound.
so I shall seek it in measure-- the never ending ebb & flow
the rise and wane of ripples
the coming & going
of crystal
clarity.
I feel it now-- the tempering.
tempest turned temperance; the balancer of scales
the alchemist of the Arcana
the angel of androgyny.
FOURTEENTH in the deck;
after death, of one-three;
before one-five--the deviling.
I am prepared.
To be weighed & measured;
I am prepped
to be wheyed and tempered.
my carcass
is like a cateran;
my memory
it's melody;
a scream
known only
to history.
you are not his story,
the winds whisper to me.
he was never YOUR story
my bones bade me grow.
And I will say it
I will know it
I will understand it
not as the miaden
but as the mother
and very soon
the crone.
And I will say it:
a part of me-
the cavernous part;
the carnivorous part;
the cautious & childish parts--
will always love
a part of you--
the part of you
that I believed
could love me
would love me
secretly did;
but you didn't.
and that's
O-Kay.
That's
Oh...
I let it rise
the risk
the rinse
the rivers
the riker
from my catacombs of my ribs
to hover
just above
my chest.
and maybe
I am finally okay
with just knowing
just seeing
that you are okay
& that it wasn't me
who made you that way--
It was you.
Why?
Oh....
you.
and in that echo I hear my own reflection--
I turn
I see
Me.
I Turn & see that I am OKAY.
& that it wasn't you
who made me that way.
Maybe I was right
when I was young;
When I was 12.
you were just like me.
you were a refracted reflection of my core.
But it was only because
you too
were going to make it;
going to make
your own way.
you too
made it okay.
you
made
it.
oh...